Quite Possibly the most Bizarre Event
by sakako
Summary: ...to ever occur... probably... Finally, some direction! In chapter IV, Chiyochichi is a responsible father, caring friend and benevolent host all in one! Author Kenji currently on hiatus.
1. Bizarre Event

Quite Possibly the Most Bizarre Event to Ever Occur… probably

Chiyo-chichi was drifting through the purgatory of space-time-confundibulum limbo, when suddenly his pager screeched.

"Back to work!" he mumbled to the denizens of the ulterior realm, then he emerged somewhere in Koenji, in the form of an emaciated vagabond. Instinctively he scanned the nearby thoroughfares for any sign of his charge, though he forgot to note that it was, indeed, 3:00 AM. Fuelled by an extremely irrational frustration, he attempted to propel his humanoid form in hopes of gaining a bird's eye perspective, however, his current permutation was clearly not used to such labour, and disintegrated into dust. A passer-by may have witnessed a vaguely feline entity emerging from a pile of ectoplasm and cadaver residue, but no such persons existed – so the capricious "cat" took form with a forlorn comportment.

"Woe is me!" he cried to the unyielding firmament, which chuckled at his futile venture.

"Just give up…"

"No! I will not betray my precursors… those who they call Omega and Pulchritudinous Rex… I will honour the ethics and principles they engraved in that tombstone about five days ago… though I could only discern the words "heteromorphic" and "laxative"…"

With rejuvenated determination, Chiyo-chichi sauntered down the road, towards the unspecified, innocuous, High School. Somehow by obliterating mailboxes and trashcans he made six hours pass in the space of five seconds, and soon the young hopefuls were ambling onto the campus, chatting animatedly. Suddenly his Chichy-sense began to tingle, and he felt the chosen one drawing near. Destinies would be fulfilled this day, or… perhaps tomorrow, as he was still somewhat hungover. He did, however, have enough vigour to divulge the operation outline. That is, if he could suppress his inane desire to become a bird for long enough to communicate an imperative message with clarity… Which was unlikely – but he was not discouraged!

"Where are you, O one among ones!" he cried, zooming haphazardly between the cliques and posses, an insane grin painted on his "face".

"Where are you hiding? Why are you hiding? WHEN ARE YOU HIDING!"

For whatever reason, his formerly reliable Chichy-sense was playing up (_today of all days_, he commented furiously), and he would be left with no choice but to weed out the weaklings… and smash in their windows and kick in their doors… Or perhaps he didn't need to get that excessive.

To summarize the last few lines or so in a concise manner: he needed to contact the chosen one, and fast!

Chihiro was giggling at Kaorin's reaction to Sakaki's cold shoulder, when a dour atmosphere loomed over her.

"Are you the chosen one?" an egotistical, currently formless being enquired of her.

"Uh… how would I know? What are the prerequisites?"

"Hmph! Don't give me that garbage! You're just a minor character!"

And so began the demise of Chiyo-Chichi… for his intolerant remarks towards minor character worldwide… look out for the next exciting instalment in this novelty saga, "Fun With Fridge"!

Note: That's the end.


	2. Marauder

Marauder:

The Epic That Immediately Failed

The saga was bound to continue… it was inevitable… Chiyo-chichi took up his battleaxe once more, and charged into the melee…

First, he had to find the chosen one. _Again._ The chapter had finished before he could report the mission as accomplished, and he had not "saved"… as it were… and was forced to restart from… a completely different time and place!

He found himself hovering above the queen size bed of a familiar figure, which was clutching several plush toys and crying out in defiance of its feudal lord. He "zoomed in" and discovered that it was in fact Sakaki… how he actually determined that is rather unclear, since he never knew her on a first name basis anyway – but of course, he couldn't care less about plot holes, and, the embodiment of resolve, floated onwards, into even more bizarre literary territory. He produced five horrific sound effects (somehow), and, sure enough, the slender young woman awoke from her violent slumber, in an almost inebriated, feverish daze.

"Orange… cat… Father?"

Somehow the mentally intoxicated girl mustered enough focus to articulate those words, though it was clear her eloquence had diminished… But that's what you should expect when you plague people with frightening shrieks at 1:00 AM – of course, being the "man" he is, Chiyo-chichi was unaware of this.

"Do not address me so familiarly! You may refer to me as master, or, if you'd rather use the fangirl Japanese, you can call me Mihama-sensei! Now, to your feet!"

Reluctantly, the deviant girl complied, getting awkwardly to her feet, a seemingly maniacal look in her eye. Chiyo-chichi inspected her with extreme scrutiny and almost unnecessary attention to detail – but then again, he was a mere military puppet… he was only following orders… well, at least that's what he'd like you to think.

"So! You are, ostensibly, the chosen one. Am I correct?"

"Uh… chosen… one? Not sure."

At this, the belligerent entity flailed wildly in inexplicable wrath.

"WHAT! NOT SURE! I refuse to believe I came all this way in vain… think deeply about it, come on! Do you feel that messiah complex struggling to emerge from deep in your heart? If so, you'll do for now!"

The ambivalent Sakaki stroked a chipmunk absent-mindedly whilst probing the recesses of her psyche for the solution. As any rational person would've anticipated, there was nothing. Unfortunately, Chiyo-chichi wasn't technically (or legally, for that matter) a person, and thus did not qualify – and, incidentally, neither was he even remotely rational – he was on the other end of the spectrum, off the scale.

"Hurry up!" cried the imprudent being, when abruptly the sky was torn asunder, and some kind of inverted fissure was created, linking two previously isolated realms in ways even the String Theory couldn't explain… at all. There was a five-minute guffaw, then an intimidating voice bellowed:

"This entire story has been a complete and utter waste of time, for reader and author alike! It's unamusing, uncompromising (in a bad way), and generally inconceivable! It's a joke – and no one's laughing (except Nyamo, who is on the verge of passing out)!"

But of course you already knew that.


	3. ChiyoChichi: The Legacy, pt I

**CHIYO-CHICHI: THE LEGACY**

_A new saga by Kenji, of sakako-kenji. _

After writing the two preceeding chapters, a notion occured to me - the notion that Chiyo-chichi could, in fact, be a very interesting character to "work with", and manipulate to achieve my own corrupt ends... So that was the impetus for this new, two, or perhaps three chapter saga, consisting of random events in the man's domestic life, as well as the dramatic Gravitation crossover/subplot which... doesn't really relate to anything. I would like to explore the relationship between Chichi and his daughter, as well as his cohort, Eiri. Perhaps I will throw in a romantic interest in the form of Yomi's mother... hahaha...

* * *

Chiyo-Chichi sighed with resignation. The operation had gone completely haywire, and the author had wasted two potentially interesting chapters on a plot that wasn't progressing – even slightly. Ah well – let's not dwell on the past… or perhaps we'd better…

* * *

**Chiyo-chichi, the responsible father**

The eccentric entity pulled into the front driveway of his lavish Koenji abode in his customized Ahüül-type Mazda, absent-mindedly tapping the steering wheel to the beat of "Night & Day" – one of his favourite 80's pop tunes. He waved cheerfully at his daughter, who was peering out of the window on the second floor, as he parked the car in the cluttered garage.

"Daddy!" yelled Chiyo, his own little angel.

"Ah! Chiyo! It is good to be home!" he responded, and as he got out of the gorgeous vehicle she leapt into his arms.

"I hope you don't mind, but a few of my friends have come over. We're just studying at the moment, so we won't need anything."

"Ah. Your friends? No, that will be fine. Incidentally, I would like to meet them, if you would introduce me?"

"Of course daddy! Follow me!"

"Do lead on!"

As he watched his lively young daughter hurtle into the house, he couldn't help but think, in an incredibly clichéd manner – _how good it is to be a father._

_

* * *

_

**Introductions**

"Miss Sakaki! Tomo! Kaorin! Miss Kagura! Yomi! My dad's home!"

All five girls looked up at the door, only one realizing the true significance of this event. A vaguely recognizable figure stood there, winking knowingly at Sakaki, who merely shuddered, recalling the bizarre, incommunicable delusions that related to that somehow frightening fellow, who was now seated comfortably at the table, with a halcyon Chiyo in his embrace. He bowed slightly.

"I thank each and every one of you for being so good to my daughter. I was worried that she would be all alone in her new school, but it is nice to see how many friends she has made in only a few weeks."

A few of the girls raised their eyebrows.

"Um… daddy… I've been going to that school for two years now…" Chiyo mumbled anxiously.

"What!" he exclaimed, and his skin tone cycled through a colour metamorphosis, before settling on the ordinary orange hue.

"I see. That is good to hear. Would any of you like some tea? Or perhaps some red things?"

* * *

**Crossover!**

Chiyo-chichi was engrossed in a hefty political novel when there was a resounding knock on the doorframe. He beckoned the new arrival, and indicated an armchair opposite him.

"Eiri! It has been too long! What can I do for you, good man?"

The figure smiled vacillatingly.

"Ah. Is there something on your mind?" Chiyo-chichi enquired, placing a consoling hand on the crestfallen man's shoulder. Eiri nodded, and lit Chiyo-chichi's proffered cigarette. He took a long draw, and then mustered his willpower.

"Well, apart from a ghastly writer's block, Shuichi's been avoiding me lately. Although there's a chance that he's simply too involved with Bad Luck, I'm rather concerned. He only came over once this week, and I didn't answer the door… He must have thought I was out, and left a note. Perhaps it's callous acts like that which dissuade him…"

Chiyo-chichi nodded judiciously, the very image of wisdom

"I understand. Though I would like to help you, I do not think I should settle this independently. I will, however, in contact with Bad Luck's manager, and will contact Shuichi through him. Wait out in the loungeroom, if you please – and do feel free to make yourself an espresso."

Eiri bowed fervently, hints of tears in his eyes. He departed without a word, and threw himself onto a leather couch, emotions swelling. Chiyo-chichi frowned at this sight, but knew he could repair this situation. He snatched his phone from the mantelpiece and speed-dialled his old work colleague, K (they were involved in some kind of foreign conflict… or something).

"Salut! Ich heiße K! What do you want!"

The effervescent, narcissistic voice was mildly aggravating, but Chiyo-chichi maintained his composure… for now.

"Hello K. I would like to speak to Shuichi Shindou."

"Chiyo-chichi! It's nice to hear from you, meine freunde!"

"Cease the linguistic experimentation, if you would."

"Yes, yes, of course. You wanted Shindou? Wait a moment."

After several minutes…

"Hey, this is Shuichi. Who's this?"

"Never mind who I am. Your presence is required – urgently – at 33 Yuigahama Street.

"Yuigahama Street? Where the hell's that!"

"It is located in Koenji. A certain someone is expecting to see you here within the next half hour. Goodbye."

"What? But ho-"

Chiyo-chichi slammed down the phone irritably, and lit up a ridiculously priced Cuban cigar.

"I wonder how this will turn out…"

* * *

Kenji's post-script ramble: I don't normally get particularly serious in my "prose", but I thought I'd attempt it here. Eiri and Chichi were both intelligence agents in the Japanese army, operating in the jungles of Vietnam to take down local syndicate kingpins. Sakaki, Kaorin and Yomi's parents were also part of their "platoon", if you like. Nyamo was originally a Chinese dissident working against their cause, but had an epiphany at the last minute and joined forces with them. Yukari was probably just watching Simpsons re-runs in Saigon. Perhaps a plot that I might delve into later - though I might leave it for someone else to write, hehe 


	4. ChiyoChichi: The Legacy, pt II

**CHIYO-CHICHI: THE LEGACY  
**

_Part II: It's… Gravitation?_

The saga of the respectable Mihama-san continues...my apologies to those who preferred "Odd Couples"...

* * *

**Blind Game... again**

It was some time before Shuichi Shindou, the dim-witted vocalist of Bad Luck, arrived at the Mihama residence. While Chiyo-Chichi was inclined to unleash hellfire and damnation upon the insensitive knave, he figured it was best to let the two lovers have a chance to settle matters themselves, without his intervention. _It is rather peculiar, _the perspicacious entity mused, holding the door open for the young Shindou;_ humans simply require a slight push in the right direction before they reach their own resolutions_. _It's quite possible that, even without my aid, they could have resolved this turmoil themselves… but it is philanthropic to help those in need, regardless of their past or present. Even a string of consecutive bad puns and an awful coffee is enough to put many people "back on track", with newfound doggedness and an optimistic disposition. It is a fascinating thing, benevolence…_

_

* * *

_

**Enough Monologues!**_  
_

While Chiyo-chichi had been contemplating the nature of guidance and compassion, Shuichi had intuitively made a (very accurate) supposition as to the truth of the circumstance – a certain charismatic yet aloof novelist had often cited a curious, otherworldly individual, who was rather reminiscent of a cat, as one of his key influences, which, Shuichi presumed, indicated that they were close friends. While the feline creature might've simply been a talent scout (as his connection with K implied), he had mentioned a "certain someone" that was "expecting to see him there" (in a tediously arrogant voice). Unable to reach his own conclusion (it's surprising how far he got, actually) due to intense stupidity, he decided he'd just ask the quirky fellow, who was still holding the door open for non-existent company, a vacant expression on his face (though it always seemed to look like that), unaware that several locusts had infiltrated the pristine manor.

"Uh… sir… Mr…?"

The creature glowered bitterly at the hapless singer, then reverted to his vacant gawk.

"Eiri is waiting patiently in the loungeroom. Follow me, please."

Shuichi nodded obediently, and took a deep breath. He was about to be plunged into a dreadfully familiar situation – with inverted roles.

* * *

**Rhapsody (In The Monlight)**

"There's no need to say anything, my darling."

* * *

**Lenin & J-Pop**

At least two hours later, Chiyo-chichi took a puff of his Turkish tobacco and sighed contentedly, letting the gorgeous melodies of Iceman's "Neo Age" wash over him. He had given the two ecstatic lovers consent to make full use of the clandestine "Love Nest" at the rear of the house – though he was worried that his daughter and her equally naïve buddies might discover the pair's tryst, and unwillingly observe acts not well-suited for such juvenile minds. He decided to overlook that for now, until it turned into a full-blown crisis, which was actually rather unlikely, he guessed.

He placed his pipe in an intricate fiberglass container, and retrieved his copy of _Communist Political Systems, Second Edition _from a lounger beside the blazing hearth. Another untroubled evening… _How wonderful._

_

* * *

_

**Lime Pits of Referencing  
**

Chiyo-chichi found himself lying rigidly on a Persian rug, the cumbersome Marxist tome crushing his left foot. He could hear several jubilant voices discussing high school English emanating from the general direction of the dining room, and, deciding it was rather uncouth of him to "catnap" while his guests were enjoying breakfast, he awkwardly raised himself to his feet, noting that his balance was rather misaligned today. Shuffling into the occupied room whilst unsuccessfully attempting to suppress a discourteous yawn, he was greeted by at least ten different mugs, many of which he failed to recognize. He beamed feebly at them and slumped into an empty seat, murmuring incoherently.

"Daddy! You're finally awake!" Chiyo said gleefully, her petite frame suddenly smothering him.

"Ah…. hmm… Chiyo! Who are these visitors?"

"Oh, I'm sorry for inviting them without your permission, but…"

"Do not worry! It is, hmm, fine, but please, introduce me."

"Of course father! We'll go from left to right, ok?"

Her solitary parent nodded and peered at the guest on his near left.

"This is Chihiro!"

"Hello!"

"Next is Mr. Takeshi Hokuto! He said he was a good friend of yours!"

"Ah yes! Mr. Hokuto, how long it has been! I welcome you into my household!"

Takeshi bowed with fervent gratitude, and chortled at his old friend's demeanor.

"I see you're still as urbane as ever, Mr. Mihama. Please continue, dear Chiyo."

"Of course Mr. Hokuto! Next we have Kagura, whom you already know! I'm not sure where the other four have gone, though…"

"They mentioned something playing Go Fish," said Kagura, smirking "I think they went upstairs."

Chiyo, not realizing the implications of this, merely resumed her introductions.

"At the far end is Soichirou Arima, Yukino Miyazawa, a man who refers to himself as Nabeshin and Shuichi and Eiri, whom I think you know already."

All five bowed, the latter two somewhat emphatically.

"Arima! Your father seems well! And Miyazawa! Congratulations on your exam results!" The pair beamed at him.

"Hello and good morning to you three! Shuichi, Eiri – I trust your room was comfortable?"

"It was excellent. We're deeply grateful to you, Mr. Mihama." replied Eiri, clutching Shuichi in an affectionate headlock.

"No, there is no need to thank me. Now, Chiyo, who are these five?"

"Ms. Yukari and Mrs. Kurosawa, my two teachers, Mrs. Kurosawa's husband…"

"And self-proclaimed comedian…" muttered Nyamo.

"…Noboru Yamaguchi, and finally Irvine and Selphie Kinneas, lawfully wedded as of yesterday!"

"Nyamo! You look wonderful! It is good to see you concerned with matters other than Falun Gong liberation!"

Nyamo blushed, as though trying not to recall that humiliating desperado campaign.

"Oh, I'm a teacher now."

"That is good to hear! A fine profession! Welcome! And my salutations to the rest of you!"

Chiyo-chichi had recieved each one with open arms of clemency, but pondered the meaning behind this surprise visitation. It was an ordinary Saturday as far as he was concerned, and he didn't remember organizing any brunch. _Ah well_, he thought, _it is great to see my comrades of old gathered together inside my own dining room. Not something I encounter particularly often, which is regrettable. Hmm… Perhaps I should orchestrate a few similar events for sometime in the near future?_

_

* * *

_

**Cameo of Corruption**_  
_

Somewhere in the labyrinthine Mihama bastion, two beleaguered authors paced simultaneously, in a perfect circle. Kenji, the more deranged of the pair, halted abruptly, trembling with unadulterated madness.

"How many series did I just reference?"

* * *

Kenji's post-script ramble: I'm not sure why K isn't there, but ah well. More of this intricate subplot will be elucidated later, featuring flashbacks from the past, new diplomatic conflicts and a belligerent stronghold in the Mongolian wasteland! Join me next time for more of Chiyo-chichi's convoluted adventure!

And my humble thanks to the lone reviewer, and dark lord miho who added this 'fic to her favorites.


End file.
